Monday, August 7, 2017

Seeking publishing and I feel like I failed as an Indie

Finally, I'm done with my latest story. I've done an edit and still have one more to do before putting it in the hands of a real editor. Now comes the hard part, putting it in the hands of an editor... After years of screaming pay for editing or don't release your story I have the huge problem of not being able to afford editing. Right now, I can't even afford to think about paying for editing because when I do I get stressed out and pop klonapin that I'm running out of and can't afford to go to the doctor for a refill-that's how broke I am. 

Even in the middle of writing as the ending began to form and I began to wonder what the hell I was going to do when I was done. Slowly, painfully the answer is, if I want to publish this latest story, and I do. Then I need to find a publisher to pay for the editing and cover. To me this is crushing, I LOVE my editor I KNOW she makes me a better writer and makes my story better. I don't want to work with someone else. Crazy as it sounds the woman gets me-she must have experience in a mental ward. 

Then there's this thing of me being a complete and total control freak. For me the idea of handing over this story is like being pregnant with the spontaneous bursts of tears, happiness and anger. The heartburn, and sleepless nights then pain, screaming, and finally joy of birth then handing the baby away. (yeah, people who give their baby up for adoption are saints and should be treated as such) The idea that I'm going to hand it over and be left with nothing except cash is agony for what is left of my cold dark heart. 

Someone else will decide when it releases, have the last say on the title-this will kill me I'm in love with title-the cover and the price. I'll get royalties but it won't be as much. I'm trying to tell myself this is good, to try something new once who knows this could be a great experience, maybe this will give me more exposure. But none if it feels true, all I know is I feel like I've failed. I can't afford to take care of my baby and I don't want to keep and release it without the editing it needs to the best it can be. 

So yes, I've finished and will have a new story coming but when exactly I won't know. Hopefully six to eight weeks after figuring out how to write a damn query letter. Don't even get me started on trying to write a query letter.


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