Monday, July 4, 2016

I joined a gym. Man, I hope those aren't famous last words.


For the record I do yoga at home and I love it but isn't exactly burning the calories. It's been almost ten years since the last time I was in one and those ten years have not been kind. I actually used to work out often and the funny thing was I hated every minute of the 45 minutes cardio and fifteen minutes on the weights that I worked out for-loathed it, counted down the seconds but then afterward when I was done and heading to my car  I would be bouncing with energy and happy but then I busted my knee up pretty badly and when I tried to work out my knee screamed 'bitch no!' until after a few months I just stopped trying. 

I've been looking around and there's the Y but damn it's expensive and all those classes don't really work for my schedule and I prefer to do yoga at home anyway. I look around at the gyms in my area and the least costing one is one that serves free pizza on Mondays hmmm....they are actually hella smart it ensures they have continued business fine I'm in. Finally I tell myself to stop fucking around and I go in. It's actually less expensive then I feared it will be. 

If I put stuff off I'll find an excuse so, I joined yesterday. 
First day of working out. It starts with preparing at the Dollar General store next door, I need socks, a lock and ear buds. Okay I'm ready. 
It's late which is good, I generally hate interacting with people-there's a reason why I work in a call center I can roll my eyes and flip off the phone without them seeing me. Any way it's pretty quiet. Since I have a bad knee and I want to get gradually in my plan is to start on a stationary bike go to the elliptical, then the treadmill and then finish with the weights. My goal is twenty minutes on each. (hahahshahahahahha)
Sitting down on the bike, it's hella different than the last time I worked out and fuck I'm short I can barely get my leg over the middle. Great my freaking legs don't reach the peddles. I move the seat and...shit now I'm to my knees. Okay scootch back a little and I'm good. Plug in my ear buds find me some 50 Cent (I said it's been 10 years) and go. 

Huh....okay...Is it weird I lost feeling in my foot at only two minutes in? Okay now my other foot, look down to make sure feet are still there. Really???? Only four minutes...no fucking way. Okay let's make it fifteen minutes. Close my eyes and oh shit my thigh is burning, burning, burning oooohhh okay that works, numb is better than burning. I'll take it. Ow, ow, ow I can feel my foot oh please go back to numb, please. Okay you know what it's been ten years so how about ten minutes let's go to ten minutes. Glare pleadingly at the clock then holy shit entire lower body is no longer numb and on fire. Squeeze eyes shut and pray it's over. Open eyes not even a minute has passed. Two minutes, please ten minutes. And I'm done. Fight not to whimper as I get off and my knees threaten to buckle. Very, very slowly wipe down machine. On legs of Jello I move to the elliptical. 

Okay, learned my lesson so ten minutes it is. Dead foot, dead foot sonofabitch okay, it's good. It's all good. No, no it's not. I want to go home right fucking now. I'm going home. I'm going home. Ewww...I'm sweating!!! Five minutes and I'm swaying off that motherfucker. I stumble past the weight machines because I really just want to sit down and cry. Then remember there are people watching so I keep swaying toward the treadmill. 

Fuck these fuckers are tall I think as I climb up. Okay, passing out would be so bad right now. Grip the edge very hard and take a deep and then another then try not fall over.....and the moment has passed. Turn on the machine, just start walking it jolts and my heart kicks, oohh good for the not passing out thing. Slow, very fucking slow-I'm plodding if you will-a toddler could beat me but I'm still fucking moving. Find Til I Collapse by Eminem and pray it keeps me standing. Ten minutes, that's all. Although legs are feeling like cotton at least they are there and I keep going. Eww...I'm sweating on my back and sweat is getting in my eye. That glow, remember that fucking glow? Remember how bouncy and happy you felt? Ten minutes I hit stop and jump down from machine and fuck my knee is screaming like a banshee. 

I stumble into the locker room and sit gasping for a solid five minutes. Not going to pass out. I wipe the sweat off grab my stuff and shuffle out of the building. I get into my car. Well I fucking did it. Didn't quite hit my goals but I did it and didn't pass out. 
No fucking glow though *sigh*  

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