Monday, April 11, 2016

When the muse doesn't play nice

Three days ago I'm loathing my story. I wanted to burn it page by page slowly. I wanted to take a gun to the huge wad of paper I edited then still hated. I wanted to trash it and never give either one of the characters another thought. I should have known when it took absolutely fucking ever to finish the first draft and I had a hangover of epic tequila proportions. It lasted two days then I was excited, so damn excited to read through and edit before printing out to edit (never skip the print out edit-you miss so damn much with computer only). Yet as I read through on the computer I was all huh then what the fuck then oh fucking shit-I felt nothing for these characters, no connection whatsoever. Uh the fuck oh. If I'm the writer and I don't feel anything how the hell is a reader supposed to feel? 

I stepped away from it midway through. I froze. I had written another one two weeks before it and I loved it (ego aside I think it's fucking great and I can't wait until others read it) so what the fuck happened? I had no idea what to do so I did nothing. I tried reading other writers and no offense to anyone, I hated everything I read-it wasn't the stories or the other writers-all I could do was put my story against theirs and judge everything badly. I gave up and read my own past stories. Okay I had done it once before I could do it again. This wasn't the first time I had written something then hated it once I was finished. I took the past story and gutted it entirely and now it's one of my personal favorites.

As I sat there I actually contemplated shelving it and starting a new one entirely. Problem-I only have two weeks before it needs to go to my editor that's not enough time to start from a new beginning. Suck it up I told myself, at the heart of it I loved this story I want people to be able to read it. I remembered my initial excitement and held onto it. 

Okay let's do this again. I went back and started editing. I couldn't take it anymore it sucked so badly. So I'm now it's the middle of once again rewriting it. I'm taking it page by page, sentence by sentence and chapter by chapter and damn is it taking forever. BUT I already I feel so much better about it. The h isn't what I thought she would be, she's better and H is asserting himself making him a better rounded character which was needed but I lost sight in what I thought I wanted. I forgot the first rule, let the voices speak for themselves, they know what they want to say. 

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