Monday, September 14, 2015

Best laid plans

There was a plan, really there was. First there was the plan of ones dreams then I remembered how bad I am with deadlines and schedules and then there was a revised plan that was more fitting and I was sure it would go smoothly as planned. I want to laugh but it would come out as bitter and make me cough so I can only shrug. By this time of the year from December of last year I was supposed to have finished six, at the very least four stories for sale. One peoples, one whopping finished story. There are four other half finished stories, one going I don't even know where, one I'm looking at with faint distrust and wonder at how I started writing it and one which might, just might not be complete and utter shit. 

Don't think I shrug off the lack of being on schedule, I'm a writer that's not what we do. I have castigated myself on an almost daily basis until my confidence has me starting and stopping like a car with two hundred thousand miles and running on empty. It hasn't been pretty. 

Then it happened. As I mentioned I started a craptastic job to pay for the stupid asthma medicine and pain med for my arthritis and a doctor to prescribe those meds. We had to list one unique thing about us and so I went for and said I had self-published a novel-referring to my fantasy one, not the erotic romances. From almost every person there was a little bit of shock and awe and while I squirmed under their seeing me with new eyes I shrugged and mumbled the title and pen name and moved on. More than ready to change the subject but several didn't want to. Yes, I admitted it wasn't easy, it was the hardest thing I had ever done. A year to write (not mentioning that two months of that was me stopping swearing I couldn't do it.) then another six months of editing. Huh, okay I guess it is something to be proud of. 

Still the new stories won't come or I falter after a few lines. Until the other day it happened again, a guy told me that I had done the thing he most wanted to do. Finish a story and publish it, what was that like? The hardest thing I've ever done but the crazy thing is once you've finished the first one the next ones come easier. Hell I've done twice that word count in the same time frame. 

Finally the switch flipped. Just like I told him. The hardest part is also the most simple just sit down and write and keep doing it and don't stop until the story feels like it's out and then you can fix it when you're done. With my plans falling so far behind the doubts build until they become overwhelming but I need to remember, I've done it before and I can and will and need to do it again and I can do it. I just need to sit down and start. 

Huh, maybe it's time to sit my ass down and follow my own advice. Maybe.

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